Journey in D Minor

First time pulling up by himself!

First time pulling up by himself!

I just had a birthday, and it’s weird.

Mostly, I’m “meh” about the whole situation. I’ve had 31 birthdays, and really, they stopped being special 10 years ago.

I’m happy that this is the first time as an adult that I haven’t wanted a baby. I’m so fortunate that I have William now. I remember feeling so empty that I was another year older, watching everyone else have what I wanted.

Yet… there is a little bit of that left. We would love to have another baby. But I don’t want them close together. I like toddlers and kids, but I honestly don’t like little babies. They’re cute, but mostly work, lost sleep, and messes. I don’t want two of them at once. Ideally, I’d have a 3-5 year spacing. If I were younger, this would be logical and fine. But I’m 31. I would have to start TTC in two years. That’s 33-35. I’m not suddenly going to have better egg quality by then. It’s more likely to be much worse. DH doesn’t want to do IVF without TTC awhile again first. So where does that leave me? A weird indefinite period of perpetual TTC? I don’t want to waste my 30’s like I did my 20’s. If I were faced with the choice of TTC again until my late 30’s (or even 40) or being one and done, I think we would just have William.

That uncertainty bothers me. I would be happy with one baby. I love William more than anything. But I would love to do it again- learn from my mistakes, try breastfeeding again, try to have a VBAC. I like to have goals. It’s hard to not be able to work toward anything.

And that’s why I suck at birthdays. Because I get existential and angst-ridden.

emerlamb:

moosefeels:

believersneverdie5:

FUCK YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

fuck oH MY GOD INHUMANS MOVIE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YAS YEA SYASYEAY EYA YES

I just freaked out!!! Black Panther!!!!! Civil War!!!! WHAT?!?!?! YES!!!!!!!!! World War Hulk!!! Black Panther??!!?!?! Reginald Hudlin BETTER write for Black Panther! He Better!

(Source: thatmovieguydoe, via yellawunn)

Day at the park.

Day at the park.

Destroying the changing table one shelf at a time.

Destroying the changing table one shelf at a time.

Infertility vs “Infertility”

I don’t want anyone to have to deal with infertility.

However…

When someone TTC’s for what they consider a long time (and FTR, actively TTC on and off for a year and a half with a 6 month break is NOT a long time or infertility) then they freak out and go to an RE but end up pregnant the same cycle, it perpetuates the myth that it’s our fault. Whenever that happens, they tell the story that as soon as they gave up, it worked, so everyone else should, too. That’s bullshit.

I have been a part of so many threads as the buzzkill asking medical questions, treating infertility as a medical condition. That’s because it is. Yet I’m constantly stomped on by hope-filled unicorns for being too serious.

Last time I checked, babies were made from eggs and sperm, not hope and coincidence.

Yes, I’m still bitter. I didn’t spend 11 years being hopeful. I spent it working my ass off learning about my body, researching my options, and actually TTC. I got a baby out of it, but I also got a weird complex about sex, some bad trigger reflexes about pregnancy, and some other mental issues from fighting for so long. So when I’m the lone voice of fucking reason on an infertility thread, I expect to be listened to, or at least not immediately dismissed. I’ve earned it.

ttc-babybear:

ttc-babybear:

After having a 70 day long cycle back in April-June I’m skeptical that my period not coming earlier today is anything besides my body being weird. Just waiting…

journeyindminor Could I have ewcm days 12-15 and not ovulate? I didn’t temp or use opks, but I had the ewcm and mittleschmertz. This month I’m gonna try temping and opks If I don’t get a BFP

Absolutely. I used to get it constantly and never ovulated. I temped for 6 years and needed it because of the conflicting signs. For example, I lost my EWCM a day before I O’ed. And would feel O pain a day after that. If I did at all.

aboutmidi:

Major Chord intonation

aboutmidi:

Major Chord intonation

(via ttc-babybear)

New favorite pasttime. Standing is fun!

New favorite pasttime. Standing is fun!

I’m stressed.

I can’t get W to eat. He takes his bottles just fine, but isn’t interested in food at all. He won’t let me feed him. He won’t feed himself. I’ve made his favorites and nothing.

If he doesn’t eat enough, he wakes up at night. I’ve been up at 2am every day since he started this. I have a skinny kid who won’t eat.

I hate making all this food for him to refuse to eat or spit at me. I don’t know what he wants. Purees? Nope. Chunky food? Nope. Apples? Avocado? Blueberries? No. No. No.

I don’t know what to do.