Journey in D Minor


Sometimes I wish it were a natural cycle so I could just call it “9dpo.” 


I have been, let’s just say, “in a mood” the last few days. I’m snapping at people, almost crying at absolutely nothing, and being generally surly with people who usually just irritate me. I thought I was emotional on stims. Stims were wine and fondue by the fireplace compared to this. Missing an ingredient for supper? Slam the door. Take extra steps to do something because someone else messed up? Expletive-ridden rant. (after they leave the room) Partner at work training someone else? Get irrationally jealous while feeling abandoned and tell him. Bonus: He’s doing it because I’m all emotional and crazy and don’t feel like training anyone, and now I feel extremely ashamed for saying anything. Sigh. I shouldn’t be around people. Oddly enough, I did NOT get mad at the dog when he peed all over the floor yesterday. I cleaned it up and apologized for not letting him out earlier. Evolutionary trait preparing me for diapers?

I feel physically crappy, too. Here’s a rundown of common early pregnancy symptoms… which I have. (Thanks, babycenter)

Take that. All of these things can be explained away by PIO shots and the estrogen supps. But I’d also like to submit to the jury the funny little cramps for the last 3 days that would coincide very nicely with implantation. The cramps are what’s keeping me from brushing off every symptom. With them, I look more closely at the others. I also get literally none of these symptoms in a normal cycle. I’m a migraine-only PMS kind of girl.  

I hope that all of this works out. I have a hard time believing it won’t. And that alone is horrifying. I know in my head that I’m setting myself up for a huge crash if it doesn’t. But my heart keeps telling me it did. I talk to my little guys. I make plans. I dream about them. I look at their little 8-cell and 6-cell picture before I go to bed every night. But when the doubts creep in, I realize how hard all of this has been. While I was excited for IVF, I’m so scared to do it again. Trudging through it because I had no choice was one thing. Looking back at the pain and pure emotional and physical strength it took… Learning to appreciate even going to the bathroom without horrible pain… The focus it took to keep optimism in the face of contradictory follicle development… The painful recovery from egg retrieval that I’m still not completely over… I just don’t know if I have it in me to do it again. I feel so weak now that I’m in the waiting phase. I don’t want to do this again. Yet I know I will. If we’re unsuccessful, I know I’ll jump right back in the saddle. But this just has to work. I need it to.

  1. saylittleandsayitwell said: this is so so so therapeutic for me to read. thank you. so much.
  2. seekingsakinah said: sticky dust…hope you get to uncross #1 1 and 3 soon!
  3. journeyindminor posted this