I’ve had an emotional day. Work was a total SNAFU. One of my workmates didn’t get paid, so he walked out. We already had people out, and more people late. So, the entire morning, there were 3 of us. I managed to avoid lifting anything heavy after telling my partner what was happening (in so many words). The stress, though… The stress in that office can get bad anyway. We get zero respect from anyone else- everyone thinks they’re our boss. And we’re constantly expected to pick up other departments’ slack while maintaining the high standards and deadlines of our own work. This can make things just terrible.
Combine that with more spotting again this morning, and I was fragile today. I’ve been barely holding it together at times. To say I’m nervous is an understatement. I’m near-paralyzed with terror. If I were in a psychological field, I’d diagnose myself with some PTSD. I haven’t thought about the miscarriage this much in 10 years. Now I can’t get it out of my head. What it felt like that morning when I woke up. How it felt for my heart to drop. The numbness and the darkness. When the levee broke and I sobbed for hours. The cage I built around myself. The hardening of my character. The years of bitterness. Hope fading.
Why did I let myself schedule the ultrasound for 6w2d? That is etched in my memory as the day I changed forever. The last time I was 6w2d, I suffered a spiral that could have ended my life, and forever changed the person I’ve become. I used to be so optimistic and happy. I had dreams and hopes. I could always smile. I could always be happy for people. That all snapped, then faded forever.
All I want is to see a healthy baby. I want to have an ultrasound on 6w2d that results in happiness, not one that ruins my life again.
I’ve been asked what my biggest fear is. I’ve said typical things- being alone, not being respected, never reaching my potential. But my biggest fear has already come true. I’ve lived it. Instead of growing stronger, it continues to terrify me, because I know how it hurts. I know how it never truly goes away. I don’t know if I could bear going through it again. There is nothing like knowing that you’re carrying a doomed or dead baby. It’s the darkest, loneliest, most guilty, most terrible, abysmal place. Only Dante could imagine such a place. I have been to this hell.
I need this baby. I need this baby to live. I need to finally let myself bond with it. I need to give this baby a name. I need to give this family to my husband, to our families. I need to accept the loss of our first, and realize that I will- that I do- love this baby all that much more for it.
Wednesday. I need it to be Wednesday so everything will be OK.
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- seekingsakinah said: Sticky vibes being sent your way. They can’t bring you in any sooner to check your levels and do an u/s? I can only imagine how torturous the wait is. Hugs.
- saylittleandsayitwell said: xoxo. i hope you get to do a whole lot of nothing this weekend, the spotting subsides, and you find some peace and relaxation. sending all my good vibes your way :)
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- intendedmother said: It’s going to be ok. You will be ok.