Journey in D Minor

Mixed Feelings… About Clothes.

It’s been an odd weekend. My big project has been to clean out my closet, both to make room for maternity clothes, and to realistically pare down what I can no longer wear. I’m 7 weeks tomorrow, and I’m out of my regular shirts. This is both a bad and a good thing. It’s good, because I’m excited for every change of this pregnancy. I cannot wait to get into maternity clothes. It’s bad, because I’m not showing. I’m just fat, with giant boobs. I can’t trot out maternity clothes without “coming out” to everyone, and it’s weird to wear them for 7 months. 

I have two baskets of clothes I’m going to store. These include my three favorite shirts. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wear them again. It makes me oddly sad. These shirts were huge confidence shirts. Now I have to store them away and switch to baggy things and belly bands. I ordered bigger shirts and a BellaBand today to actually be able to wear my regular clothes longer. 

I don’t understand why I feel this way. Maybe if I weren’t still trying to keep this a secret? I really want to wear little belly clothes. I want to buy the pants, the foldover skirts and dresses. I think part of it is that I’m not confident about myself. I’m excited about the pregnancy, and proud of it. But I’ve also struggled with weight and body image issues since I was a young child. Now that I’m going to get bigger, and will be chubby for another month and a half before I actually start to show, I feel completely unable to own it. 

I want to feel beautiful and powerful. I’m not sure how to do that right now. We’re going to start belly shots next week. How can I do it so I don’t just feel fat?